Does your spouse grow weary of your pain issues?

[barkingmad]

My wife, who has been as patient as a person can be, frequently gets tired of hearing me complain when I'm in pain and it makes me wonder what it must be like to be the other spouse or SO. How do they cope, considering they can't do anything to help, the doctor's often won't talk to them and they must feel a combination of empathy and "wtf do you want ME to do about it" after a while. Has anyone else experienced this with their SO?

[Owlie]

Yes, I definitely have had the experience of my spouse becoming impatient. That's not to say that he isn't compassionate and supportive, but I think that folks who haven't been through the kind of pain you are suffering from just have a hard time processing how bad it can be. And even if they have been through it, it seems like once the pain has passed, we forget how bad the suffering was at the time.

[Roswell1947]

@barkingmad Love the LP Standard.

My wife, who has been as patient as a person can be, frequently gets tired of hearing me complain when I'm in pain and it makes me wonder what it must be like to be the other spouse or SO. How do they cope, considering they can't do anything to help, the doctor's often won't talk to them and they must feel a combination of empathy and "wtf do you want ME to do about it" after a while. Has anyone else experienced this with their SO?

Good question.
My wife doesn't complain too much fortunately
though she is disabled on SSDI & Medicare.
I have the opposite problem in that I have to
drag it out of her asking how do you feel all the time.
She has diabetes 2 and her Glucose level drops to 44
sometimes and has already had 2 hypoglycemic seizures
and I found her on the floor twice.
I keep telling her to eat but she says she's not hungry.
She has a son from a previous marriage who has more
influence than I so whenever I mention his name it seems
to get things together.
She takes 11 meds Vicodin, valium, ambien, Metformin, Actos,
Januvia, Diovan, Toprol XL, Zocor, Fenofibrate, Advair
which I fill & order for her.
When you're married there's part of the oath for better for worse.
So I honor the "for worse " part.

[barkingmad]

@Rowell10mg ,
I have been a care-giver to my dad, who recently passed away from cancer and it was hard to cope at times, but the hardest was when he just gave up. You have my sincerest wishes that you find the strength to keep honoring your marital promise when it becomes hard to do so, but something tells me you're a lot stronger than most. She is damned fortunate to have someone like you. That must from her perspective "the better" part.

[poocheroo]

This is such an interesting question and one that is definitely not asked enough I think. I am sure my husband is over my aches and pains but I do try and be cognizant of my complaining simply because i have a dear friend whose husband is unbearable. He has chronic back pain, allergies and sinus problems. While I do believe his pain is valid, he has become so self-centered he doesn't see how it is affecting his wife. She feels that he has cornered the market on suffering. Anytime she does not feel well, physically or mentally, he trumps her with one of his problems. I can imagine it must be pretty frustrating to never receive compassion or sympathy because what ails you always pales in comparison to your spouse. We all need to be comforted and coddled from time to time. I guess that is what is hard to remember that although we are in a great deal of pain, we have to step outside ourselves and not forget that a spouse or partner needs us too.
@Rowell10mg , your dedication to your wife is amazing and very admirable.

[Roswell1947]

@Rowell10mg , your dedication to your wife is amazing and very admirable.

Not really. You take an oath for better or worse.
Why swear to an oath if you don't mean it?
My suggestion is 2 all young couples live together
in the same appt, house, mansion try it for 6 months
2C if you are compatible B4 marriage & kids. JMHO & .002

[UGAgal]

My wife, who has been as patient as a person can be, frequently gets tired of hearing me complain when I'm in pain and it makes me wonder what it must be like to be the other spouse or SO. How do they cope, considering they can't do anything to help, the doctor's often won't talk to them and they must feel a combination of empathy and "wtf do you want ME to do about it" after a while. Has anyone else experienced this with their SO?

Yes that is why I am getting a divorce. But to be honest I am much happier now. He never understood my pain. I use to be a personal trainer and body builder and apparently in his eyes we are immune I guess to pain. Oh well asshat is better gone.

He use to tell me to suck it up when I literally was laying on the floor screaming in pain or up all night rocking back and forth. Or he would say go to a damn doc. Well what was the visit I had yesterday with the doc? A effing social visit?

He eventually checked out of our marriage and cheated and I am now raising four kids that he could care less to see or not. Sad really. But sometimes a spouse that doesn't have chronic pain or anxiety or issues just does not get it. And there really is not a good way to get them unless they eventually walk in your shoes.

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@barkingmad Love the LP Standard.

Good question.
My wife doesn't complain too much fortunately
though she is disabled on SSDI & Medicare.
I have the opposite problem in that I have to
drag it out of her asking how do you feel all the time.
She has diabetes 2 and her Glucose level drops to 44
sometimes and has already had 2 hypoglycemic seizures
and I found her on the floor twice.
I keep telling her to eat but she says she's not hungry.
She has a son from a previous marriage who has more
influence than I so whenever I mention his name it seems
to get things together.
She takes 11 meds Vicodin, valium, ambien, Metformin, Actos,
Januvia, Diovan, Toprol XL, Zocor, Fenofibrate, Advair
which I fill & order for her.
When you're married there's part of the oath for better for worse.
So I honor the "for worse " part.

To honor the worse part means your a good man. So many do not honor that part. Life is not perfect and curve balls get thrown at folks all the time and things are not always rosy. That is an easy "out" for folks that can't stick it out

[taralumia]

I am the partner to pain as well. My spouse has a degenerative disease, and not a day goes by that he doesn't hurt somewhere. He has always been the type to go until he drops. I am often the one who has to say, "Look. -- Enough!" Sometimes he has days where he just can't do much of anything. He doesn't complain. He just gets grouchy. Sometimes it takes me a while to figure out why he's in such a bad mood, and when I do I usually get a bit miffed that he didn't just say so from the start.

But I have my days too. It's not so much about pain for me, but about energy and cognitive issues. I have days when I can barely think or function. I may not understand chronic physical pain, but I sure do get the frustration, anquish and depression that can go with it. Worrying about being a burden on the one you love only adds to the bad feelings.

If your marriage is strong, it will survive, and maybe even grow stronger. If a relationship collapses under the weight of pain or sickness, there were too many weak links already. Both people have to be deeply committed. Marriage isn't a 50-50 deal. If you shoot for 100-100, then when one of you has an "off" time, you'll still get your 100%.

[Roswell1947]

He has always been the type to go until he drops. I am often the one who has to say, "Look. -- Enough!" Sometimes he has days where he just can't do much of anything. He doesn't complain. He just gets grouchy. Sometimes it takes me a while to figure out why he's in such a bad mood, and when I do I usually get a bit miffed that he didn't just say so from the start.

Exactly @taramulia Same thing here.
Thank you for posting that.
I'm in the same boat.

[poocheroo]

Not really. You take an oath for better or worse.
Why swear to an oath if you don't mean it?
My suggestion is 2 all young couples live together
in the same appt, house, mansion try it for 6 months
2C if you are compatible B4 marriage & kids. JMHO & .002

I think you are admirable! People leave their spouses for a lot less these days. I do see what your are saying though, that you should not get a standing ovation for keeping a promise and doing the right thing. It is however a quality to admire for sure.

[lunarmadness]

It is a great worry of mine that my pain issues will drive my husband away...but we have been together for nearly 13 years and he has been supportive throughout, I have no reason to distrust him, he has always been faithful and honest to me. These last few months have been especially bad for me, pain-wise, and I know it has been very hard for him. He admits it has not been easy when I have asked, but he doesn't ever complain, just tries to make me comfortable and brings me ice-packs and my meds and tells me it will get better, we will get through this together. There are days when I can't hold back the tears from feeling so terrible and I think that is what makes him feel the worst. Also, when I have spent 3 days in bed, in pajamas and a bathrobe I know it cannot be very appealing to him. He is a good man.

[abbygirl]

It is a great worry of mine that my pain issues will drive my husband away...but we have been together for nearly 13 years and he has been supportive throughout, I have no reason to distrust him, he has always been faithful and honest to me. These last few months have been especially bad for me, pain-wise, and I know it has been very hard for him. He admits it has not been easy when I have asked, but he doesn't ever complain, just tries to make me comfortable and brings me ice-packs and my meds and tells me it will get better, we will get through this together. There are days when I can't hold back the tears from feeling so terrible and I think that is what makes him feel the worst. Also, when I have spent 3 days in bed, in pajamas and a bathrobe I know it cannot be very appealing to him. He is a good man.

I think if he were not a good man, he would have been gone a long time ago. Being a caregiver ain't for sissies. You are lucky to have someone like him. Good luck and God bless.

[UGAgal]

. If your marriage is strong, it will survive, and maybe even grow stronger. If a relationship collapses under the weight of pain or sickness, there were too many weak links already. Both people have to be deeply committed. Marriage isn't a 50-50 deal. If you shoot for 100-100, then when one of you has an "off" time, you'll still get your 100%.

@taralumia I don't fully agree with this statement. I use to have a great marriage. We were best friends and always touchy feels, flirting on phone text or emails and always with our kids if not working. We gave each other surprise gifts, shared all housework, kid duties etc.

Then when my pain became bad that I couldn't get up and go with my soon to be ex he changed. He couldnt handle the fact I couldn't go hike or workout or share In projects. He startedto resent me for having issues and told me so in many occasions.

Yes you can survive if you have an understanding partner that loves you through the bad. My partner never wanted to stick out the bad .... And split. But then again we were never tested too much until i got this bad.

I always had a happy loving marriage until I could t function then he ran. So it really I guess depends on your partner and if they want to stick out the rest of their life with a person that won't probably get much better. While I still love him, I am happy now to be alone. No more jabs about my health or non-functioning body.

[poocheroo]

It is a great worry of mine that my pain issues will drive my husband away...but we have been together for nearly 13 years and he has been supportive throughout, I have no reason to distrust him, he has always been faithful and honest to me. These last few months have been especially bad for me, pain-wise, and I know it has been very hard for him. He admits it has not been easy when I have asked, but he doesn't ever complain, just tries to make me comfortable and brings me ice-packs and my meds and tells me it will get better, we will get through this together. There are days when I can't hold back the tears from feeling so terrible and I think that is what makes him feel the worst. Also, when I have spent 3 days in bed, in pajamas and a bathrobe I know it cannot be very appealing to him. He is a good man.

He does sound like a good man and I am sure he is devoted to you. I think creating a safe environment where you can each be open and honest about your feelings is the best solution. Guilt and resentment are a terrible burden and can be so toxic. I know my husband gets frustrated because he feels helpless and can't fix the problem. Perhaps if he is open to it, maybe seeing a counselor together would help. I know my husband and I love each other deeply but we have got to a point in the past where it was really difficult for me to properly convey what I was feeling without upsetting him and vice versa. Often just having a therapist there to help gently guide the conversation does wonders. I found out that so much about my husband from just a couple of sessions that I don't think I would have been able to on my own.

[SpaceMatters]

I am lucky in that I can hide most of my pain. I am a stay at home mom so I rest when dd and dh are at school. Summers are a bitch.

I can do all the light work, and the brain work in running the house (bills, etc...) but dh knows no long car trips, no heavy lifting, etc... If those things are req'd, I take extra meds. We don't discuss the meds. I swap bottles and keep the script label in my wallet.

So I live a bit of a lie but for me it is helpful. If I can deny my pain to my dd and dh, it must not be so bad.

The worst is when pain impacts one sex life. Hard for spouses to live w/that. Not saying that's my issue, coz it's not.

[lunarmadness]

He does sound like a good man and I am sure he is devoted to you. I think creating a safe environment where you can each be open and honest about your feelings is the best solution. Guilt and resentment are a terrible burden and can be so toxic. I know my husband gets frustrated because he feels helpless and can't fix the problem. Perhaps if he is open to it, maybe seeing a counselor together would help. I know my husband and I love each other deeply but we have got to a point in the past where it was really difficult for me to properly convey what I was feeling without upsetting him and vice versa. Often just having a therapist there to help gently guide the conversation does wonders. I found out that so much about my husband from just a couple of sessions that I don't think I would have been able to on my own.

I think this is good advice and we have recently discussed doing this. It is hard for me, too, to communicate my feelings--my husband is much better at it than I and often has to ask me how I am feeling. I think he can feel somewhat distanced from me sometimes...and I definitely don't want that. I can be very much in my own head and don't even realize. Like @poocheroo , I think that feeling frustrated and helpless that he can't fix the problem is another thing that my husband is also feeling.

[Cgreen]

My spouse is pretty tolerant of my constant pain, and honestly tries to help as best as possible. But, my spouse does get annoyed when I wake up all the time from knee pain because it keeps them awake!

[Comfortably Numbed]

I'm one of the lucky ones, Ive been ill on and off fo 15 years. Never has he once complained, though sometimes I got the feeling that because he couldn't see my pain or illness he couldn't really empathise. There were times that I felt such a burden, and I would push myself and end up worse off for it. That would annoy my husband and he would become a bit snappy. I had to explain that I HAD to try, otherwise it would become a way of life that would be miserable. He was there every moment I needed him, and to be honest I was surprised he had such tenacity. He has a kind nature though, and is very patient. I thought he would have got fed up, maybe would even leave, and became very insecure, which only made him feel suffocated. I needed to be sure that he was with me because he understood and loved me, not out of duty, and told him so. He reassured me every day and was quite incredulous that I even thought that way. Keep talking, it helps, keep loved ones informed about what your illness actually is and how it affects you and try to keep smiling

[jholden40]

My spouse *is* my pain issue.

[sophie30]

lol @jholden40 , I suspect my husband feels the same way. He doesn't understand my GAD or agoraphobia at all, though both are improving. He tries to help and be understanding, but he can't really empathize as he's never had any kind of anxiety, except for perhaps mushroom-induced in college.