For me it's tramadol. It's not a sexy drug or life ruining or anything, but its a thing that I have to deal with. Even though I truly believe that it's antidepressant qualities have actually helped, I'm not sure I'd have ever started taking it if I knew that 15 years later I'd still be taking it. It seems like even when I quit for a few months I always seem to have some crisis that I stupidly talk myself into believing that the only thing that will help me get through it will be ultram. The truth is I've never been a huge fan of sobriety. I drink more than I should. I sneak around my husband (casually withdrawing an extra $20 every time I go grocery shopping to pay C.O.D. for tramadol). It's stupid.