need a lifeline--life sucks and i need a few friends with great ideas.

[shelle]

I have finally reached a place in my life where I am--I know its just a feeling--out of all
options. I lost my job. They are contesting my unemployment. I am flat ass broke. My brother was kind enough to let me move in but its not a great situation as he has three kids under the age of 9 and hes barely scraping by. I have tried to get back into school to
finish up my court reporting certification but that's years ago and I can't find any school where I can get enough money to go back. It seems like I hear about programs all the time which allow women to go back to school full-time but I can't seem to find anything or any college that will help. I hear a lot about if my credit was better I could student loan myself to death but based on a poor credit history there isn't anything for me. I am so. And tired of hurting. I know a lot of you understand that. But I just feel like
I have lost all hope. I can't keep hanging on as everywhere I look I only see a deadend. I can't keep being a burden. I am no help to my adult children--adult only in age 18, 19
and 23. Two are fighting hard to stay in college since I can't meet the tuition bills for
them. Again another time I hear so much about funds for kids like mine and those really don't seem to exist either.
Hope. I need hope. This isn't a chemical imbalance this is my life sucks and I need to.somehow find a lifeline. I didn't realize that I wouldn't qualify for any kind of cash assistance--another myth busted about ppl who live on welfare and foodstamps. You only get cash assistance in my state if you have pregnant person in your house but a 46 yrar old woman can't seem to buy any help. I never thought I would be here. I am the static about a payday away from being homeless. My daughter who is very ill I have told to try and talk about Medicaid even though there isn't a specialist in our state who will see any Medicaid patients. Add to another helpless feeling. I gotta buy some hope--how can I get someone to see that?

Too over-qualified I keep getting told at all
I have applied at every place possible in the area I am located. Even though I aanother helpm willing to work patients.

[Polain]

Remember that after the black bar always comes the white one. Everyone one once had some situation in his life when it seemed that there were no ways out. But as they say - every new day is another chance to change your life. Today you failed to find a good job and tomorrow you will succeed. Also don't forget that our thoughts materialize! So think about good things and everything will be fine! Just repeat it to yourself! Wish you be very lucky soon!

[DutchJacob]

@shelle I kinda get where you're comin' from. A few years ago I lost a job I had had for 3 years on completely unjustified circumstances, lost the duplex unit I was renting, lived in a car a couple nights, then with relatives. It took awhile to find a new job too and this led to a constant shameful feeling, anxiety, etc. The only good news I can offer is pretty much what @Polain mentioned; when you finally DO get that job, you'll start feeling better day by day. I count the day I was hired, my first day coming home from work and the first paycheck of the new job I had gotten as some of the happiest days of my life. And it wasn't a high paying job, $10.35/hr, but enough to get me on my feet at the time and moving forward. I wish you all the best luck in doing the same.

[teresita]

@shelle Portions of your post could have been written by me, I too lost a job 6 yrs ago, I was eliminated and they too contested but I still got unemployment and back then it was only for 6 mos. My credit went down the tubes. Adult children sucking us dry even though they cant help the prices of life either.

Finally in 08, I got a job that is something I never thought Id ever have, a factory job. I was a professional for 20 yrs so this was all new to me, but I still have it and now need to find something else because it is destroying my body (12hr midnights) not to mention destroying my personal life, always tired and too sore to do anything.

Just recently I started sprucing up my resume and I was told craiglist had job listings and boy do they ever. I am having more luck (no offers) finding openings on craigslist than I have all these career sites. Check it out if you can.

Dont give up the unemployment fight, even if you have to go before a judge (I did). They are very sympathetic to the unemployed unless you plain out committed a crime.

Also check out food pantries in your area, I know it is demeaning because it was to me but there was a time I had to. Once I started working, I replaced it all and then some. But even though Im working, Im working at about $6 less an hour and in these past 6 yrs prices have gone over the top so its still a struggle.

I havent posted too much lately because Ive been so depressed lately but your post struck a familiar chord in me and I feel for you. Im 52 and never thought I'd be struggling more now than I was in my 30s. Plus some personal issues are giving me grief but I guess thats whats called life and yes it can suck at times.

[billyboy1965]

Add to another helpless feeling. I gotta buy some hope--how can I get someone to see that?

Too over-qualified I keep getting told at all
I have applied at every place possible in the area I am located.

It's a shitty response but you are not alone. Up until the early 90's I had worked my way up to Vice President in a large local bank. We know those are a thing of the past. It was bought and I was tossed out of the executive floor window and landed with a golden parachute that left me crippled financially.

I had enough of the corporate political bullshit anyway. Eighty hour weeks and having to layoff entire divisions and absorb the work load and deal with senior executive political crap. Believe me, it's no different than government bullshit just at a lower level. Egos. I lived on my measly unemployment and that wonderful severance they gave me and became a bum for nearly 2 years. Fortunately I had a partner to support me. Hippie hair in the 90's. Who knew?

I changed careers. Back to school. Advanced degrees. Bunch of licensing. Now I own 50% of my company with a business partner who "was at the right place at the right time."

All was going alone fine, until I'm faced with the impact of increased taxes, or penalties, or laying off employees who do not deserve to be laid off. Now there's economic stimulation for you. Think long and hard when you cast your vote in November and good luck.

[shelle]

Part of the reason I brought this here is becausee I knew I wouldn't be alone. Not that it changes anything about my circumstances but I just didnt know where else to turn. I can't log into my facebook account any longer as ppl I used to consider friends keep posting stupid shit about how many ppl get on benefits as its easier. I have too much pride to tell them there isn't anything easy about this life. And I know thinking about dying is just a stupid selfish thought and it would cause more of a burden on my kids but I am having moments of when I think "how does one crawl out" when everything hurts. Okay I just tried to finish up this post and not sure what I did or didn't do but lost most of it. Sorry about that. Won't keep whining. Thanks for any advice.

[billyboy1965]

I can't log into my facebook account any longer as ppl I used to consider friends keep posting stupid shit about how many ppl get on benefits as its easier. I have too much pride to tell them there isn't anything easy about this life. And I know thinking about dying is just a stupid selfish thought and it would cause more of a burden on my kids but I am having moments of when I think "h does one crawl out" when everything hurs.

I don't use bookface. I find many of the posts are self-centered "Look at me in the Bahamas" or "check out this hot new car I bought." I believe it is overrated. Aside from that, the less people know about me the better. My "real" friends know me. I could care less about popularity and acquaintances.

If I did, I'd lose a lot of "acquaintances" quickly because my sarcasm is dangerous. I wouldn't worry about it. Use the telephone. And not to text. Face to face and voice to voice is a lost art. People say things they would never say if they weren't protected by the keyboard.

[teresita]

@shelle Dont feel you are whining because we all purge our feelings from time to time and you've found the best place to do it. We cant always find the answers but together we find some peace.

I get on fb once and awhile just to see what far away friends and relatives are up to and see pics of their kids, grandkids, etc but I agree some of the posting is ridiculous. And as @billyboy1965 pointed out, you can be anyone behind a keyboard.

Sometimes I think PR has been the best therapy I have ever received. I already feel a little better today even though same stuff is going on and its not the mountains that I cant move its those damn molehills that I keep tripping on.

[GoingBananas]

@shelle The only way I have found to make it through the times you are speaking of ( and it seems most of my life was spent there until about this last few months) was to get as small as possible. I mean it. I literally had a watch or clock or anything and i would say I may only have one hour I don't know and neither does anyone maybe more and maybe less but if I have one hour what am I gonna do just with this one hour. I know it sounds dumb but it helped because when we look at so much it is overwhelming. So, I wrote down every thought that occurred to me until all I was getting were repeats and then I started to put them in order and asked friends to help and sometimes strangers on the internet, I have slowly but surly crawled my way back to the point where I can spend time helping instead of being helped and neither is bad or good they just are. Do not let SHAME trick you as it does not exist except to drag you DOWN! I promise it will change and at some point you will not even connect with how you feel now except when you recognize in someone else and then you will HELP THEM!

YOU CAN DO IT!

[billyboy1965]

@shelle After reading my post, I forgot the point of the story. Sometimes things can work out in ways you've never imagined. Good things.

[mollysmom]

@shelle HANG IN THERE! I truly feel your pain. I have been through some similar funk myself. Do not stop fighting for your unemployment; keep notes of what you say, what is asked of you, etc. so that they cannot confuse you (or you confuse yourself like I tend to when things get this stressful). It is so frustrating to hear that you are overqualified for one job, under-qualified/inexperienced for another, and in the end, some illiterate twit gets the job. Meanwhile, the bills still need to be paid.


To paraphrase @Polain There would be no rainbows without the rain. Even though it is 'pouring' in your life, it will let up. @GoingBananas has a point with keeping things small; if you have to only allow yourself to focus on small chunks of time to get through them, do it. I could go on, but know that as bad as things get, they will get better. Good luck to you. Stay busy (reading, journaling, walking) and remind yourself (if needed) that you are a good person, doing the best you can under the circumstances.

[shelle]

Can't move past this depression which is pulling me down. I have been without pain meds for a week and my hands look like balloons they are so swollen. Everything hurts. Nothing is getting better
I called a helpline yesterday. She said her name was dr Anderson and she didn't really want to help once I told her I had no insurance. I wrote notes to my girls today just to see if I could cry. I did and felt a little better. My hands hurt so bad that task took a couple hours. I have now been at my brothers house for a week and he is starting to get a little irrititable with me as I am not the help he expected
I get a couple loads of laundry done each day and sometimes get dinner made. He had no idea the throws of my depression. Thanks for reading....it helps to write.

[mollysmom]

Can't move past this depression which is pulling me down. I have been without pain meds for a week and my hands look like balloons they are so swollen. Everything hurts. Nothing is getting better
I called a helpline yesterday. She said her name was dr Anderson and she didn't really want to help once I told her I had no insurance. I wrote notes to my girls today just to see if I could cry. I did and felt a little better. My hands hurt so bad that task took a couple hours. I have now been at my brothers house for a week and he is starting to get a little irrititable with me as I am not the help he expected
I get a couple loads of laundry done each day and sometimes get dinner made. He had no idea the throws of my depression. Thanks for reading....it helps to write.

@shelle Congratulations on the laundry and dinners. I have seen days when I couldn't even handle that. Try doing something today that you haven't done in a while i.e. sit outside for some fresh air and/or sunshine, go for a walk in a public park, try 10 jumping jacks, stretch out one muscle at a time from head to toe, etc. Anything that is different from your 'regular' routine that has become mundane. I find that if I keep moving, and keep busy that my body and mind have something to do besides focus on anything bad in my life.

Mix it up! Good luck, today is one more day.

[chris100]

I feel for you , it must be hell. I think a lot of us have been through it before. Its not a good feeling and the only thing that i heard thats works is just keep busy. Go for walks, runs, clean etc... Good luck

[Akumetsu]

I just recently found out that my mother's side of the family has been plagued with mental illness. Which explains ALOT for me, as since I was in my teens I've been fighting what I now know is most likely bi-polar thoughts and it's been rough. I've always been against medication, even after watching my mom go through her fits, and I hoped that sheer will would protect me from these problems. it was not the case, and i've dug a mighty big whole for myself by internalizing and downplaying the seriousness of what I've been going through. All I ever wanted was to not be crazy, and that mantra has in fact driven me crazy, with each failure, either perceived or real.

Ive lost my job, all of my friends, who cant understand me because I cant explain myself, i really cant see the point to going through the motions if this is the result for me. What's really ironic is that I've been afraid of AD's because I always assumed I would lose the real me, but really I've never felt this lost, and Im just hoping the drugs can help get me back.

its so easy to type up a wall of text but hitting the enter button when you've finished is anything but.

[shelle]

@Chris @mollysmom and all the others of you taking yourtime to care enough to post...thank you. Even I can see the humor and irony of how my day has turned out so I
thought I would update you.this

I decided when I woke this morning this was THE day. I wrote another note to each girl to assure them I once again I put a lot of thought into my decision. Leaving them is really the only thing that makes me weep. They are women I would have always loved to be. I posted messages on their FB accounts. Again...leaving them on earth alone just kills me--no pun intended!

I got everything ready. I dont--didnt-- want my nephews to find me or suffer any effect from my decisions so I made sure they were going to their moms after school. I needed gas I decided as I only had a tiny bit left in my tank. My oldest nephew called. I decided I wasn't answering I had a mission.

Second call. Not answering again. Those kids are at their moms, right?! I have made THE decision today.

Then I get a text "aunt shelle the police just came and arrested our mom. We are scared. Can you come get us?" Omg. Are you flipping kidding me?!

So here I am. Today wasn't my day. There was a tiny bit of my brain that wanted to say. " no guys today is the day I am ending this misery!" So irrational.

Nothing my has changed. My broken tailbone is screaming. No job offers. In another few days I will be out of money completely with no way to replace it. Still looks so bleak beyond. But who knows why my nephews needed me today. I firmly believe my adult children would make it thru must death. We are all dying right? If I chose when and how is the outcome any different?

My voicemail box is full of bill collectors. And everything hurts. Wait I am repeating myself. Thank you for again caring enough to post. If I get out from under this steamroller I will share my letters with my girls so they can see where I came from.

*This post was auto-merged. The following text was added 5 minutes after the last post:*

PS: I am following everyones suggestions as best I can. It helps.

[shelle]

I will update quickly...thanks to everyone that cared enough to day prayers and offer support. In retrospect I believe I probably have--maybe had? --a pretty good case of PTSD caused from the car accident a little over a month ago. My sense of overwhelming sadness has slowly gotten better. My tailbone isn't screaming all day everyday--still hurts and more at certain times and I mentally feel like each day is anothet step in the right direction. As I said before my empathy for those of you that feel this level of depression for years gives me a new level of respect for you. This almost killed me.

So...here is where I stand: my unemployment was approved...thank you for the suggestions on my appeal. Its not a ton of money but today its all relative! I am maintaining the connection with my kids daily as I could see pulling back on that was just another pain for me. I also noticed if I get some protein and a little bit of fat in my body daily helps with my thought process. As stupid as it sounds I guess i never paid attention to that "stuff" before.

Thank you again for caring. I am not stupid enough to believe my journey down this path is over...I can see a walk of some distance ahead of me. Today that walk doesn't seem unbareable like it did a week.ago.

[Rescue3000]

Problems,curve balls,as a civilian...life is a series of problems my Dad The Major my WW2 pop resting in peace.once said..I lost a teen in a rescue the other day...it brought me back from self pity...2 teens plowed down by a drunk driver in his 20's...I am pretty shook up to say the least,,,t5heir girlfriend was lucky to jump out of the way....FACE TRAFFIC do not get it from behind...I'm ok the usual Rescue3000 I miss posting however I have been too busy...waarmest regards ~~~Captain

[slick76]

@shelle I'm kind of in the same situation. Got laid off in July 2011 and been unemployed ever since then. At first I was motivated, charged up to get a new job thinking everything would get under control but no....I kept getting rejected, then I found a part time temp job which was OK but didn't last long.

I can tell you that sometimes my anxiety/depression is sky high because of this ongoing stress. I'm also studying for the CPA exam which I've failed many times but really need to pass this time! Having ADHD I don't handle stress very well...thank God for Klonopin.

Hang in there and like others have suggested, find simple things that give you pleasure. Walking in the sun or doing something you always wanted to but never had time for it.

[mollysmom]

@shelle Congrats on the uplifting news. I wish you luck. Remember, even a little step is a step, just like you can't be a little pregnant.