Scared to take benzo's again, need advice

[KgcRed]

Yea, not sure what to do.

School is picking up steam again and it's getting rough.
I did the whole benzo thing in mid January -> early February 2012, and that was the last time I took one ( can't remember specific dates ).

I stopped taking them due to various reasons and because I came down with a very bad flu for a couple of weeks. I also thought I was going through benzo withdrawal at some point during that... ( I made a thread on this occurrence )

Anyways,
Anxiety and stress levels are rising again, and everyday I'm super tense and anxious to the point were I constantly feel miserable , nauseous and dizzy .

My question(s) is;
1. Is it ok if I start taking benzo's again (very sparingly) only on the days were I feel like I'm going to lose it ?
I'm scared that if I take it even just once ( even a low amount like 0.5mg ) it might impact me somehow negatively (mentally, chemically alter something in my brain again ).

I've been suffering from PTSD and depression / anxiety for the past 5 years and have been on and off various types of anti-depressants and mood-stabilizers and also stimulants for my ADHD. Currently I don't take any medication and haven't had for a good month (last time was early - mid January, which was Lithium, discontinued it because side effects outweighed the positives) Anyways, it feels like I'm done with heavy medication and all I would consider taking is a benzo in the rare blue moon as long as I'm in school.

I realized that once I'm finished from school I'll be a happy and mental healthy person but as long as I'm still in school it's like jail to me, seriously.

So yea, I'm scared / cautious that taking a benzo might do something negative to my mood / me , whether short or long term. (I'm not familiar with benzo chemistry and it's impact on the human psyche ).

[bobbarker]

sounds like you need to lay off for a while and maybe try em down the road after you level your head

[Jeremy Fisher]

I realized that once I'm finished from school I'll be a happy and mental healthy person but as long as I'm still in school it's like jail to me, seriously.

Oh dear @KgcRed, please don't always think that the bright days are in the future, because they are not. For me, school was a highlight.

I don't know the answer to whether or not you should take benzo's on 'tough' days, You mentioned that you quit them before for various reasons. I guess you need to think about those reasons and if they still apply today.

The general feeling (I believe from reading these board for years) is the valium is safer than xanax. Easier to quit, less severe WDs when one choses to stop.

Sounds like you have been through the wringer w/the meds and I assume the doctors too.

Wish I could help more. Maybe others will post, @alumni, @billyboy1965, @akl63 who have more knowledge.

It seems to me a big part of your question was once one quits an addictive substance, can one just take it sometimes? Did I get that right?

Best wishes and be easy on yourself.

Fire

[dafeet]

I don't think you're going to permanently chemically alter anything from using benzos as infrequently as you do. If you know you only need them for short durations and in certain circumstances then by all means use them. You are more likely to have negative effects if you continue letting the stress build and make you unhappy. It will be harder to get yourself out of the slump and depression. If you know the source of your anxiety and you know it's for a short duration, then that is exactly what the purpose of these types of benzos are.

[Alternate]

Sounds like you have come off some drugs. You now have what I would refer to as unmedicated PTSD, depression and anxiety and a major stressor (school).

That is something to get rid of those drugs.

Did you have therapy for those things.

I am in a situational depression now and am trying to stick it out until over.

Has happened and when things got better I was on valium and did get off it completly (was impossible doing a w/d from xanax).

But, my stress resistance was the same. And then next big stressor here I am back on them a few years later. If you do take them skip a few days and stick with valium. Once you are fully on them daily it is a taper plan you have to follow.

[akl63]

@KgcRed
I think using them sparingly will be OK. Just be really careful.
I was super addicted to xanax for awhile. I take benzos for sleep now (years later), occasionally. I make a huge effort not to take more than 2 times a week though.

And if you can try to stay away from the xanax. For someone who's already been dependant on benzos valium is a lot safer... just in terms of avoiding getting addicted again,and not getting nasty rebound anxiety that comes with xanax.

[KgcRed]

Oh dear @KgcRed, please don't always think that the bright days are in the future, because they are not. For me, school was a highlight.

I don't know the answer to whether or not you should take benzo's on 'tough' days, You mentioned that you quit them before for various reasons. I guess you need to think about those reasons and if they still apply today.

The general feeling (I believe from reading these board for years) is the valium is safer than xanax. Easier to quit, less severe WDs when one choses to stop.

Sounds like you have been through the wringer w/the meds and I assume the doctors too.

Wish I could help more. Maybe others will post, @alumni, @billyboy1965, @akl63 who have more knowledge.

It seems to me a big part of your question was once one quits an addictive substance, can one just take it sometimes? Did I get that right?

Best wishes and be easy on yourself.

Fire

Thanks for the reply,
Yea you got it right (90% lol) .

Yea school is my stressor and some family things but I know this (I am completely aware of why I have certain symptoms and what needs to be done to get rid of them naturally)

I have been through so many therapists, psych's and doctors and out of all that I have learned that basically, my life is .... my life, what you make it out to be. lol. (Pretty basic huh, after all that I come to that conclusion...) I already knew it but I guess you have to go through it / experience it so it becomes "engraved" into your soul / memory. Anyways, that's a long story.

It's my last year of Uni, (hopefully, crossing my fingers), and I'm praying to god ( and whoever else can help me ), that it all goes smooth. I've been in University 5-6 years in a program I absolutely despise... (Don't ask how and why, it was a long time ago, I was "young" , naive and impressionable, next thing I know here I am, whatever, now is now and the past is history)

So yea, I just need "something" (benzo?) to keep me calm and in control. Because from all these years in Uni I have developed anxiety, PTSD and depression (also due to other various reasons, life). In high-school I was never like this, I was that laid back, happy optimist without a care in the world and content with myself (for the most part, like 95%, nothings perfect)

I never wanted to go to Uni but somehow, one thing led to another and here I am.

So, yea long story short, I just need to keep calm and in control until I'm "out", done and graduated.

I've never tried Valium. ( I don't know what brand/ source is the most popular around here, PM me ?)

Does anyone know what exactly the differences are between Benzo's and Barbituates ? Are barb's maybe a better choice for me ?

I just don't want a repeat of panic attacks and extreme anxiety / waves of depression that I experienced a month ago while taking Xanax (.5mg), Klonopin (0.5 - 2mg) and Etizolam (1mg), of course not all at the same time, just different days different things. Then I got the stomach virus which didn't go away for 3-5 weeks, varying levels of intensity after the first 2 weeks... coupled with me minimizing / completely stopping any benzo intake = those intense symptoms of anxiety and depression.

(Jeez, it feels like I can't properly formulate, organize my story/ sentences here, I hope you guys are understanding what I'm trying to say / coming from.)

Again I really appreciate it.

[rational80]

@KgcRed I really feel for you. My drinking and drug use really rose when I was in college. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, I had social phobia, and I was away from home which meant that I could do whatever I wanted.. I found that drinking or smoking a joint helped me relax, be more confident and not so awkward feeling socially. I started experimenting with different benzos like libium, xanax, and ativan. That worked even better. My life spiraled out of control and I ended up quiting school when I drove into a tree in a blackout. The reason I had anxiety is because I have unresolved issues, for me it was being a perfectionist and very sensitive and never satisfied with anything I did. Last time I got on Xanax due to severe Anxiety attacks it lasted for 10 years and then experienced over a year of "cold turkey" detox about 9 years ago. I'm telling you this because Xanax or any drug (including alcohol) is very dangerous for people like me, and you if you identify with my anxiety triggers. I'm tapering off Xanax again after 4 years at very high doses and have come to believe that I need to just do my best and be happy with what I can accomplish and surround myself with positive people who are fun to be with and appreciate me. I never knew how to have fun without changing the way I feel. I found something in Xanax that was a wonder -made everything easier and I never had to deal with my feelings or learn how to cope. You may be fine using Xanax occasionally but accepting the difficulties in life and your faults and failures and making time for having fun is better than any drug. Also, eating heathy, getting enough sleep and exercise, the usual stuff. I believe that people like me are very susceptible to abusing benzos. There is another thread where we've been having an interesting conversation about benzos and our experiences in "Lost and idk what to do about my Benzos" the past two days. Of all the drugs to detox off, alcohol, benzos, especially Xanax, and barbiturates are the most deadly - can lead to seizures or death. If you think I'm trying to scare you, maybe a little, at least enough to really think about other options. Learning how to be comfortable in your own skin in any situation is really liberating.

[KgcRed]

@rational80,

Awesome reply man. I truly get what your saying.

It's just that, sometimes someone can be at a point in life were they truly are stuck. The situation / lifestyle they are in cannot be "altered", "tweaked". The only solution is to "leave" because altering / changing your ways won't work anymore and has lost it's "magic" . So you just need to simply walkaway from this "negative" scene.

It's kinda like when someone you know won't listen when you offer advice to help them, and no matter how many times they screw up/get in trouble they just don't learn, so what do you do ? Walk. If you stay it just starts affecting you more and more.

But,

I can't walk out. I've put five, six year's of my life into this and I'm so close to finishing so I have to stay. If I walk out, I'm a fool. (Irrational decision)

So that's why sometimes people, I, need "meds", something to comfort them when no one else will, or the comfort is just not enough. I like to think of med's as a temporary solution (when you believe you have everything figured out)... But I know sometimes for some people it's not a temporary thing and they truly need it for much longer than they are expecting.

Maybe benzo's are just incompatible with some people (me ?). Maybe it's not what I actually need and because I take them it messes me up after ? I don't really know. I'm not a science or health major.

Yes i've smoked weed (pot) (A lot actually), in the past, while I was in highschool and in my first year of Uni, but I slowly stopped because I started having paranoia and anxiety while I was under the influence. I don't know if this was caused by my rapidly changing environment or because of some sort of chemical alteration/interaction weed caused mentally , maybe both ??
Anyways, I can't smoke weed anymore because everytime I do, I get extremely paranoid and anxious and shutdown, it's quite scary for me. So scratch that. (Unfortunate because I loved the smell and the look of the many different species of plants, quite beautiful actually and of course the positive effects)

Anyways,

All this to say, that I'm looking for comfort and management. I want to be that person I was when I was in high-school, full of energy, optimism and a sense of calm and just not WORRYING !!

In terms of diet and exercising, I've tried it all. It truly does help but it's not enough (especially when I can't really organize my routine because I'm swamped with school work, and other chores) I've done so many martial arts, I also use to do Shotokan Karate for 6 years and got my black belt ! lol (proud of that, and it helped at the time but like I said in the sentence before, life get's in the way sometimes).

So that's why I turned to benzo's (they take the worry away, sense of calm and relaxation). But unfortunately they might not be for me ? I still don't know.

All I know is that I've developed all these damn symptoms because I've been doing something I never wanted to do. I just can't wait to start my life already.




*By the way, if you read all that, your amazing*

[rational80]

[QUOTE=KgcRed;198311]@rational80,

Awesome reply man. I truly get what your saying.

It's just that, sometimes someone can be at a point in life were they truly are stuck. The situation / lifestyle they are in cannot be "altered", "tweaked". The only solution is to "leave" because altering / changing your ways won't work anymore and has lost it's "magic" . So you just need to simply walkaway from this "negative" scene.

It's kinda like when someone you know won't listen when you offer advice to help them, and no matter how many times they screw up/get in trouble they just don't learn, so what do you do ? Walk. If you stay it just starts affecting you more and more.

/QUOTE]

I totally understand what you are saying!! I've been there. An antidepressant helps me somewhat but my mind can go wild and I worry about everything. I can handle everything except the chest pain I get. Each time I turned to Xanax, I waited 3 weeks trying to work it out or hope it passed but it never did. I'm just saying that sometimes we are our own worst enemy. Maybe you need to take a term off. I find that 90% of the time I'm the most stressed, it's proceeded by worrying, like people might find out I'm a fraud. When actually, most people thing I'm a thoughtful, friendly guy.

I'm not saying don't use Xanax but have a healthy respect and use mediation, time-outs, exercise prayer, whatever works for you to manage your anxiety. I liked one person's suggestion, where he\she said they limit themselves to twice a week. This works for short acting benzos like xanax, Klonipin or Ativan but not so well for Valium and other benzos with a long half-life. I don't want anyone to go through what I did, I felt insane for around 1 year and didn't know it was just PAW - Post Acute Withdrawal. For more info, read the thread I mentioned. Good Luck, my friend.

[brandon7467]

Addiction is something you cannot come back from. It progresses and progresses. So if you haven't crossed that line yet, then don't do it. My father died as a direct result of his addiction from ROP's. Your body can only handle so much of a substance before you become dependent and need it. I'm gonna say it one more time, be careful.... @KgcRed

[billyboy1965]

I realized that once I'm finished from school I'll be a happy and mental healthy person but as long as I'm still in school it's like jail to me, seriously.
.

Wrong. The other shoe never fails to drop. Looking back I couldn't wait to graduate from high school. Then I couldn't wait to finish college and grad school. I wanted to get a job, make money, and kick back like my parents. Damn. Then I grew up and realized those were the best times of my life ~ and @Fireplaces agrees as I'm sure most do.

On a plus note, you do have a positive overall outlook on life. Not to cast a negative blow; but, if you think school is prison, wait until you have a job with a prison warden as your boss. Living hell.

You can listen to other peoples' experiences but what you absolutely require is professional advice. Easy for me to say. I'd like to write more but I'm short on time.

[Carter]

@KgcRed You have gotten some great feedback from the people here, I really don’t have much to add. Your concern/fear of benzo use. --- I often wonder what the percentage of people there are who can safely use benzo’s (.e.g. no more than a couple of times a week which is true PRN/as needed use.) This may be an apple and orange comparison, but there is more data, about 5% of the population (US anyway) are alcoholic, and even if they had not had a drink in 5, 10, or even 20 years if they start drinking again they will be right back where they were when they stopped and continue to progress (drinks/day if you will). That’s what we all did in when I was in college pretty much pre-computer age was drink to de-stress and 5% (or whoever’s %number you use) of us went on to become alcy’s, the other 95% didn’t. Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on how you look at it) alcohol dependence develops slowly while benzo physical dependence develops rapidly.

With benzo’s in the same drug category as alcohol (depressants) I’,m wondering if it may be similar where 90 or 95% of the population can use them relatively safely. It doesn’t sound like you have crossed the line into being what I will call being a “benzoholic” as far as you use goes, but your expressing concern about using them may be an indicator from your body and mind that using them is not a good thing. So let me echo the advice already posted here, on other threads on PR, and on other forums.

1.If you have to (or choose to) use benzo’s stick to valium (the only exception to this would be if you suffering from severe panic attacks where you’re afraid to even leave your room/home, go or drive anywhere...). Physical dependence develops rapidly with daily use in almost everyone

2.Stick to true PRN use ( a couple time a week or so), not my PRN use which is pretty much all the time. Mo itor your use and watch for "dose/use" creep.

3.Meditate, exercise,…all that helps.

Let me add a final note, even if finishing college takes your current major stressor away, more will come that I am sure of. So how you deal with your current situation will probably be how you deal with your future stressful situations whatever they may be (work, marriage/divorce, family deaths, teenage kids, adult kids, aging parents….).

I think you’ll do fine - think positive, you are doing the right thing asking for advice, read other threads hear and other other forums elsewhere.

Cheers

*This post was auto-merged. The following text was added 3 minutes after the last post:*

P.S - when you get a buch of good links after researching ("I'm not familiar with benzo chemistry and it's impact on the human psyche" ). Please post them, thanks.

[alumni]

I can only share with the original poster what I've seen and personally experienced over a long time.
Anyone who has had an abuse problem with psychoactive medications like benzodiazepines is almost always going to be at significant risk of repeating it. You can blame that on genetics, body chemistry, birth defect, environment, whatever (no one knows for sure) but I take it basically as gospel.
My impression from reading @KgcRed 's posts is that he is still in the memory thrall of his past use of drugs and might be, knowingly or unknowingly, coming up with all kinds of reasons why returning to using them again may make good sense.
I've done exactly the same kinds of mental rationalization. It never turned out well. Never.
Of course, the intention is initially to only "use a couple of times a week" or "only when the stress is overwhelming." But I think this poster knows from experience how that deal unwinds.
Whatever is actually causing the anxiety and panic symptoms needs to be identified first. Under a doctor's care, there might possibly be some adjunct medication treatment that is appropriate.

[itis]

This is Definetly the type of thread that makes me happy to be part of these boards. It's hard a lot of times to find people in similar situations who can understand what one is going through, and there is an abundance of empathy in this thread. Impressive

[domino]

Don't do it , I'm having a real hard time tapering off,this is no joke yesterday I went from 5mg to 4mg and I've got along way to go. I also might mention to you I get nothing out off what I take just maintaining. It's no fun, but it was real easy to let it get out of control and up the dose to where I'm at. Try and get through your anxiety on your own and good luck to you.

[wynne]

Just wanted to say, Benzo's are the hardest of all to get off of. Even after the withdrawals your brain just does not work for many months. I have long beautiful hair that fell out in chunks because of it. It grew back, but it did make me a nervous wreck for about a year. I was covering my pain and anxiety from my Moms stage 4 cancer and I took more and more to keep numb and calm. Its a terrible cycle. I do believe a benzo addict can take them without problem however. I was taking 12 Ativans at once every day for over a year. It was bad! I found a great Dr. and was honest about everything. She started me on a sort of new Xanax XR pill. She told me it would be long term and increased over time and decreased ever so often. You cant really abuse the XR type of drug because you are really taking the chance of a dirt nap. I am feeling fine and calm and doing very well and have zero wishes to abuse them again. Way to risky. Some people can be so strong and some people are just more weak when it comes to these things. Its hard when your miserable and their is a bottle on the table that screams, "Take me and feel happy and all better" But I do think if your strong you can learn to manage it. Once an addict always an addict however. Again look into the XR benzo's. They helped me. I feel for anyone out there going through the battle.

[GummiiBear]

I decided to stop taking benzodiazepines for the sake of school (I felt like Klonopin was making me stupid) so I just decided to quit cold turkey. Bad idea, I know. I was prescribed Klonopin for a little over 6 months, would take at most 0.5mg TID. So maybe my low-ish dose wasn't so bad to get off of. I guess I'm super lucky, I didn't really experience any withdrawal symptoms. If anything, maybe for a couple weeks but nothing major.

[Carter]

I decided to stop taking benzodiazepines for the sake of school (I felt like Klonopin was making me stupid) so I just decided to quit cold turkey. Bad idea, I know. I was prescribed Klonopin for a little over 6 months, would take at most 0.5mg TID. So maybe my low-ish dose wasn't so bad to get off of. I guess I'm super lucky, I didn't really experience any withdrawal symptoms. If anything, maybe for a couple weeks but nothing major.

Congrats @GummiiBear, you kept your dose low (1 to 1.5 mg/day it sound like). didin't stay on too long, didn't increase your dose, and were on a slightly easier to "drop" (ie,e kpin vs. xanax) drug. Still tough from what I have heard from previous longer term Kpins users (at about the same dose)who have had a hard time giving up that last 0.5 mg/day.

The usual warning to those reading this...if you up in (or have bben in the 3 or 4 or more mg/day range for w while (expecially xanax) Taper for safetytrasons (avoidance of deadly Gran MaL seizures), sanity maintenance, minimize relapse and reboud effects,,,,,,)

[Caffeine2011]

@GummiiBear How long have you been on benzos? I think that takes a lot of will power to recognize something like that, most people would deny that. Sometimes I feel as if taking Klonopin all last semester made me stupid as well, even though I did all my 15 page reports, passed everything, didn't get any grades lower than a B. I'm in college too, not high school if that helps lol