Will you tell your friend about his wife/husband's treachery?

[MGary]

Quite difficult question as for me. From the one hand, it's their deal and telling the truth (if you know about it) may destroy their relations, so you will be the person who is responsible(in some way) for events in their lives...From the other hand -how will you look into the eyes of your best friend and keep silence knowing that he is betrayed?

[Comfortably Numbed]

Post him an anonymous letter telling him everything you know so at least he is informed and can make his own choice on how he deals with it, that way you won't have to feel that you are responsible for any outcome. I know if he confides in you it may be difficult to act surprised or give the response you know he would expect, but personally I would always want to know, I'd hate to be made a fool out of...wouldn't you? Some people think ignorance is bliss, and in a way I agree, what the eye doesn't see the heart doesn't grieve over etc, but when push comes to shove I think I'd rather know, bear the pain, and walk away.
Balls in your court, I wish you luck.

[MGary]

Comfortably Numbed, anyway even if it is an anonymous letter , I will be responsible for further events, won't I? I mean that I will feel it that this family could live happily (his wife, for example could come to her senses and understand she was not right and stop it). Thus I'm taking the responsibility for what will be going on in their family...?

[barkingmad]

@MGary, I would tell them, absolutely, unless I was the person cheating with their spouse. But seriously, I would tell them because any good friend owes them the truth. If they choose to end our friendship, thats on him/her. I knw that I would want to know and I would feel doubly betrayed if someone knew about it but didn't say anything.

[Good-Girly]

@MGary I could only ever think of it as if I were the person it happened to, and simply ask the question, would I want to know??
I certainly know I would, and then the individual can make up their mind, and either work on their relationship. Or start dealing with the deception and move on.
Either way, it’s a ghastly situation to be in.

[poocheroo]

You may want to confront the cheater and say that you are considering coming clean to your friend and give him/her the option of doing it instead.

[cajunbulldog]

Damn hard situation to be in but I would also speak the truth and hope my friend had enough stones to maintain our friendship.

[Gman]

@MGary I could only ever think of it as if I were the person it happened to, and simply ask the question, would I want to know??
I certainly know I would, and then the individual can make up their mind, and either work on their relationship. Or start dealing with the deception and move on.
Either way, it’s a ghastly situation to be in.

If I had a love, It would be true,,
Eagles...Easy , peaceful feeling....

Peace,
Gman

[Perromaldido]

Hell of a situation... i guess I'd monitor the developments and then, if the liason gets that serious to involve real sentiment, I'd put her/him on the right track. I know is bad enough but if they're real friends of mine....

Peromaldido

[Comfortably Numbed]

Comfortably Numbed, anyway even if it is an anonymous letter , I will be responsible for further events, won't I? I mean that I will feel it that this family could live happily (his wife, for example could come to her senses and understand she was not right and stop it). Thus I'm taking the responsibility for what will be going on in their family...?

I understand your quandary, it may or may not end their relationship, I suppose. If he isn't a player and its a one off then you could let it slide, but could you look them both in the eye knowing what you know, could you manage to ignore it? Would YOU want to be able to make an informed decision? Or would you really rather not know?
Sometimes we have to bear other peoples indescretions, its times like this that we need Jiminy Crickett!

[MGary]

Really I incline to tell the truth in such situation...And I decided to start this thread because speaking to my friends I've noticed that most of them would rather say nothing to me if such situation concerns my relations...It surprised me as I was sure that all of them would tell me the truth but they prefer not interfere in others' life, as they say...

[M77]

@MGary
OK, so I imagine this is not just rhetorical, but either way, I found myself staring right at that exact situation. A long time ago, I was at a nightclub, and I saw one of my friend's wife, standing in a open area, against a wall, with a guy not only passionately kissing her, but with his hands all over her a$$. Just the fact that she would do this this in a public place was bad enough, and the fact that she had ZERO discretion made it worse, but the guy kissing her, which I found out later was her BOSS!, obviously had no discretion either, nor respect for her, to be practically dry humping a married girl in an extremely public place. I think the worst was the almost definite fact that if they would do this in public, what had they already done, or were going to do in private? Not that this matters at all, but she was extremely attractive, and I considered her my friend as well. I have friends that I don't even know their significant others, I have friends that I am acquainted with the SO's to varying degrees, and ones that are truly my friends. This gal was my friend since high school, and had actually dated another of my friends in while we were still in school, but this was later, in our early to mid twenties, and now she was married to another one of my GOOD friends. Now add in that they had a toddler at home.

I was really stunned, and I was really in agony over what to do. Just as was posted, firstly was it my business to meddle, and was it my decision to tell him, possibly end their marriage, cause the kid to grow up with a broken family, etc. VERSUS how could I betray my friend and not tell him?

I asked myself what would I want to happen if it was reversed. What if one of my friends saw my (I don't remember if I was engaged or married, so fiancé, or wife) doing this. Would I want to know? Of course I would. If my wife was cheating on me, and one of my friends knew, and didn't tell me, I would be more then furious. I had a couple of other friends there, as it was a "happy hour" on a Friday, and we had met for some afterwork drinks. I don't know if this is pertinent, but it is sort of funny - a few of my friends wanted to blackmail her for sex, but they were MOSTLY joking. I really wonder how much some of them were joking, but that wasn't going to happen. I figured I would confront her, ask her WTF? and play it from there. The guy disappeared very quickly. I think he thought he was about to get a beatdown - he brought a female, married employee to a club, and got busted by her husband's friend? He was smart to get out of there, although what to do with him wasn't even on my radar yet.

Anyway, using the reversal scenario of would I want to know, I was pretty sure I was going to tell my friend, even if it ended our friendship (which frequently happens in these situations) unless she was believably conciliatory, convince me it was a one time mistake, that nothing really happened besides some kissing, and that she wouldn't do it again. Once I found out from her that it was her boss, I knew that they almost definitely had already done the nasty already - if they would do this at a public club, what did they already do in a closed office? She tearfully begged me not to tell, and that she would never do it again
and if I didn't say anything she would do anything!!! So my a$$hole friends that semi- jokingly wanted to blackmail her (thankfully this was a private conversation) were not so far off!!! She was literally propositioning me in exchange for silence!!!! Now, I don't roll with married woman, at least knowingly, AND she was married to my good friend, and she was friends with my fiancé/wife, whom I actually liked back then, so this disgusted me. I decided I was going to have to tell him. It was ugly, it could destroy their marriage, but I could not get away from what I would have wanted if it were reversed. I WOULD want to know if my wife was cheating on me....

Well so what happened? By the grace of the big guy in the sky, I was spared! My friend, her husband, showed up there! Apparently he was on to it, or got tipped (I don't remember) but he showed up, slightly drunk, telling me that he was pretty sure she was cheating with her boss, he knew that the boss was there, and he was going to kick the bosses ass!!! I described the guy, said that he was there earlier, but I was pretty sure he split. I did not tell him what I saw, because I didn't want to make a volatile situation worse, like have him go to the guys house and assault him, and end up in jail, plus I knew he knew enough to either work it out with her, or not. So here is some irony - they ended up working it out, staying married, and moving out of state. I heard that they got into the swinging scene, and were swapping and all sorts of other stuff. Not my business, whatever.

*This post was auto-merged. The following text was added 4 minutes after the last post:*

@MGary I could only ever think of it as if I were the person it happened to, and simply ask the question, would I want to know??
I certainly know I would, and then the individual can make up their mind, and either work on their relationship. Or start dealing with the deception and move on.
Either way, it’s a ghastly situation to be in.

@Viva-la-blonde
I missed your post, after I read the original post, I dived right in for a response, but you are spot on, and you got there first. Nice job! I hope you enjoy my little story above.

[Jeremy Fisher]

Jumping the end, I would say only if I saw it w/my own eyes. Well not everything. lol. Then I would only tell enough to make the SO have some serious 'splaining to do.

[MGary]

Well and what if this family really has children and you know exactly that your friend will not forgive his wife and want a divorce?

[Good-Girly]

@MGary - the wife made that decision for him
When she was unfaithful, should your friend decide that is what's best it wouldn't be on your conscious only the deceitful party

[Lazyboy]

Great quote @via-la-blonde! What a great song by the Eagles. They actually have many songs/lyrics that I consider great. I personally am very much into the music vibe and music has always been a big part of my life. On my bad days it is lyrics from a favorite song that often gets me through. It is a great way to communicate when you don't have the words yourself.

[Good-Girly]

@Lazyboy ..... Oh dear, I am ashamed to say, who are the eagles? I thought it was my own genius I must look into this!! Ha ha needless to say you must be a fan

[Lazyboy]

I totally agree with most that if you are truly a good friend then you will have the discussion with your friend and tell the truth. I know that if it was me that was in the dark about a situation like a spouse cheating I would rather hear about it from a friend then from a stranger somewhere down the line. I believe the truth always comes out in the end. Of course this is my personal opinion from my point of view.

[billyboy1965]

“Every truth has two sides; it is as well to look at both, before we commit ourselves to either”

I prefer, "there are two sides to every story and the truth is somewhere in the middle."

[MGary]

billyboy1965, that's true...however it is still the question what should you do in this situation...especially if both of them are your friends...