Death - Anyone planned for it?

[Hemanne]

I know it's a taboo subject for most people but it's also a big issue worldwide, it happens as often as birth. Our western culture plays a game of hide the body so we are not reminded everybody dies one way or another. And by planning I don't mean just making a will or AMD - advance medical directive/DNR - do not resusitate.

I suppose the question is who wants to die on a production line in hospital or neglected in a retirement home, or do people want control over when and how they die?

Any takers?

[eke]

I know it's a taboo subject for most people but it's also a big issue worldwide, it happens as often as birth. Our western culture plays a game of hide the body so we are not reminded everybody dies one way or another. And by planning I don't mean just making a will or AMD - advance medical directive/DNR - do not resusitate.

I suppose the question is who wants to die on a production line in hospital or neglected in a retirement home, or do people want control over when and how they die?

Any takers?

It is a taboo subject but it should not be! People call their loved ones loved ones for a reason and they should extend that "love" to honoring their loved ones wishes about how they want their death to be dealt with. I worked in long term care and hospice units for over a decade and we always advanced the idea that death is in fact not a taboo subject. People do themselves a disservice by being afraid to discuss this inevitable occurrence, their feelings about it and how it should be handled. Discussing your own death and or the death of your friends and family doesn't increase the odds of the individuals death or speed up its onset. It is no surprise that humans are often too irrational and afraid to discuss these topics. People should want to have control over how they die but they are too easily scared out of making these decisions in advance by their own overpowering emotions or those of family members, friends and sadly political operatives.

My brother fought cancer for over 15 years and passed away six weeks ago lying in his own bed next to his wife. As they agreed upon, no one else was present. I will not raise the topic with my sister in law as she has the right to discuss this at a time of her choosing, but she and I knew my brothers wishes and there was plenty of M*rphin* on hand to carry out his wishes. I'm pretty sure he passed naturally but had his suffering become unbearable he made his own choices about what should be done. He was in hospice care at home for the last two weeks of his life and just 48 hours prior to his death he was laughing and telling stories with family members. He went out in style! It would have all been a big F'n mess had we not discussed different scenarios beforehand!

Every adult member of my family has a living will and I personally have laid out specific instructions for a variety of scenarios for my care givers. If need be, they will not have to decide when to "pull the plug" as I have told them when to do it! They will not be forced to make incredibly difficult decisions on their own! And that is the saddest part of all of this... if you ignore the topic you will force your relatives to make these difficult decisions without your guidance! That is far more cruel and awkward then simply asking a loved one how they want their death to be handled!

[Allycat]

@eke, extremely well put. I think the 'baby boomer' generation and following generations are far more willing to discuss death and dying I have made my wishes very clear I only hope they are honored and respected as you did your brothers. I am so sorry for your loss. But thanks for sharing, this is a very thought provoking response.

[Stevo1]

I know it's a taboo subject for most people but it's also a big issue worldwide, it happens as often as birth. Our western culture plays a game of hide the body so we are not reminded everybody dies one way or another. And by planning I don't mean just making a will or AMD - advance medical directive/DNR - do not resusitate.

I suppose the question is who wants to die on a production line in hospital or neglected in a retirement home, or do people want control over when and how they die?

Any takers?

I have been planning on dying ever since I was old enough to understand that your born, you live, and you die!

[ClaraBell]

I've never really thought about my own death, but my mother has serious health problems and has long made her wishes clear - no life support; if she becomes some sort of vegetable (she's at stroke risk) we're not to waste our lives visiting her and struggling with it (not sure how much we'd stick to that) - and a couple of years ago she bought her own funeral and burial plot. Obviously she has her will sorted too. I think it's good that it's all dealt with, and that she basically has made all the decisions as to what will happen to her, even after she's dead, since she's a control freak and religious and, more importantly, doesn't want to burden us with them instead.

I'm not sure though that people need to make such detailed plans and talk about them when they aren't suffering from health problems, mostly because I don't think until you have the threat of dying looming over you, you really know what you want. And I'd never arrange my own funeral, as I think it's for the people you leave behind not you, and I couldn't care less what they do with my dead body. Not a bad idea to pay for it though - there's something unbearably harsh about having to pay out thousands of pounds that you most likely don't have when you've just lost someone really dear to you.

[jettagirl]

@ClaraBell I think pre-paid funeral plans are a really bad idea and a waste of money. Just recently, a funeral company in my state was charged with embezzling (among others, including racketeering, fraud, and more serious federal charges) of $500,000 over a 3 year period for pocketing money from people who had purchased pre-paid funerals. If you are really worried about funeral costs, I would suggest not having one. Donate your body to a medical university or have it cremated (much smaller cost) with no fancy funeral afterwards. I'm sure there are other options as well. And I really DO care what happens to my body after death. I don't want my wishes ignored by family members. No prayers or religious service of any kind, no "open casket" viewing, none of that. If a medical school can't use my body, just cremate it and get it over with.

@Hemanne Yes, I think everyone should have the option of deciding when, where and how they die. I know this varies from country to country, but here in the states, there are only a few (Washington, Oregon and Montana) that have "right to die", "assisted death" or euthanasia laws, and these are only in cases of physician assisted. Yes, we are very backward here in the states.

[ClaraBell]

@jettagirl Fortunately my mum bought hers with a very reputable company, and I expect that kind of fraud would be more difficult to pull off here in the UK. As for not having a funeral, I don't want one, but once I'm dead it's got nothing to do with me. If people want one for whatever kind of psychological benefit it might bring, they're welcome to it. And if they don't, that's fine too. I have enough trouble trying to manage my life; I'm not taking responsibility for my corpse as well.

[billyboy1965]

I've not only planned my own, I've planned most of my clients' deaths as well. Not the method; only the consequences.

[eke]

@eke, extremely well put. I think the 'baby boomer' generation and following generations are far more willing to discuss death and dying I have made my wishes very clear I only hope they are honored and respected as you did your brothers. I am so sorry for your loss. But thanks for sharing, this is a very thought provoking response.

Thanks Allycat! I wasn't initially intending to get so deep but I realized I had to actually tell some of my own story to get my point across about planning ahead and not forcing family members into more awkward situations.

I'll add to my post that one of the most common misunderstandings about a persons death is that they will have time to make these decisions and discuss them with their family later. Sadly, most of these people don't realize that they will likely not be able to have this discussion with family later as the nature of death is often unpredictable and, not to be graphic but more often than not one will lack the motor skills required to discuss their own death while its happening!

Not discussing these issues nearly always results in families being pulled apart at the very end arguing in the last days of a persons life as the person passing on is not able to take part in the discussion. Yes it is difficult to approach grandpa and say, "We love you and we want to discuss..." but his is far less awkward than people sitting around over grandpa's death bed arguing over who he loved more and what he may or may not have said about god knows what. Anyway, forgive me for being wordy but this topic is one of my big pet-peaves!

[IGoeOn]

No. I'm not planning on it.

[queentresa]

Being in the medical field myself and also from personal experiences I feel people have become more aware of the need for discussions about end of life and planning before their put into the difficult situations. We encourage our patients to engage in conversations with family members so their wishes will be honored. Besides the living forms will give them worksheets to help open up the topic and get conversations going. Although all the planning in the world will not guarantee your wishes prevail or how your family will react when having to deal with the realism of your death. Conversation opens up the world enabling many possibilities.

[eke]

Being in the medical field myself and also from personal experiences I feel people have become more aware of the need for discussions about end of life and planning before their put into the difficult situations. We encourage our patients to engage in conversations with family members so their wishes will be honored. Besides the living forms will give them worksheets to help open up the topic and get conversations going. Although all the planning in the world will not guarantee your wishes prevail or how your family will react when having to deal with the realism of your death. Conversation opens up the world enabling many possibilities.

Well said! I am glad to hear all of that! I have not worked in that field since the early 90s and definitely in the 80s people were more reserved. We encouraged some discussion but we backed off quickly if need be as whether I agree with peoples decisions or not it is none of my business how they handle these matters. A check list is a very good idea and I think more and more people are starting to realize that some things are better off being discussed!

[queentresa]

Thanks eke! I finished college in the early 80s and the world has change quite allot since both good and bad. The medical community has expanding their wisdom in so many areas but have back-peddled in so many ways when dealing with the issues of prescription meds. They first began treating patient with chronic pain with an abundance of relief then the government gets involved and says the MDs are giving out to many narcotics etc. so cut back or lose your medical license. So the patients are left to fend for themselves.

[eke]

Thanks eke! I finished college in the early 80s and the world has change quite allot since both good and bad. The medical community has expanding their wisdom in so many areas but have back-peddled in so many ways when dealing with the issues of prescription meds. They first began treating patient with chronic pain with an abundance of relief then the government gets involved and says the MDs are giving out to many narcotics etc. so cut back or lose your medical license. So the patients are left to fend for themselves.

Dont get me started on chronic pain and/or "N*rcotics"! I'll get on my high horse and never get off of it! The medical community has dropped the ball on dealing with chronic pain. One of my (admittedly far too many lately... sorry!) pet peeves is the fact that *piates are valid medicine for a broken arm but if you use it to kill chronic pain all of a sudden its a narcotic, the user is addicted and suffering from mental issues and anything the "user" says is self validation for their addiction, as they are really just looking for a buzz, lets give them dirty looks and chastise them etc... It's F'n ridiculous!!

[queentresa]

Dont get me started on chronic pain and/or "N*rcotics"! I'll get on my high horse and never get off of it! The medical community has dropped the ball on dealing with chronic pain. One of my (admittedly far too many lately... sorry!) pet peeves is the fact that *piates are valid medicine for a broken arm but if you use it to kill chronic pain all of a sudden its a narcotic, the user is addicted and suffering from mental issues and anything the "user" says is self validation for their addiction, as they are really just looking for a buzz, lets give them dirty looks and chastise them etc... It's F'n ridiculous!!

I couldn't have said it better myself, I find myself addressing others in my profession with the same insensitivity which you are voicing. When I feel their reacting as you described towards Chronic pain victims.

[Hemanne]

Yes, paying too far in advance for anything is a bad idea and too much temptation for most it seems.

I think it wise to plan for the inevitable, without the sentiment if possible but with due consideration for those who care.

Tha law's an ass sometimes.

@ClaraBell I think pre-paid funeral plans are a really bad idea and a waste of money. Just recently, a funeral company in my state was charged with embezzling (among others, including racketeering, fraud, and more serious federal charges) of $500,000 over a 3 year period for pocketing money from people who had purchased pre-paid funerals. If you are really worried about funeral costs, I would suggest not having one. Donate your body to a medical university or have it cremated (much smaller cost) with no fancy funeral afterwards. I'm sure there are other options as well. And I really DO care what happens to my body after death. I don't want my wishes ignored by family members. No prayers or religious service of any kind, no "open casket" viewing, none of that. If a medical school can't use my body, just cremate it and get it over with.

@Hemanne Yes, I think everyone should have the option of deciding when, where and how they die. I know this varies from country to country, but here in the states, there are only a few (Washington, Oregon and Montana) that have "right to die", "assisted death" or euthanasia laws, and these are only in cases of physician assisted. Yes, we are very backward here in the states.

Very funny.

No. I'm not planning on it.

[msaok]

just food for thought

start here : Don & Iris Flounders and Angy Belecciu


[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChKa2b12Yhw&feature=related]Don and Iris goodbye.wmv - YouTube[/ame]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3CrO3B5m7s]Nembutal Euthanasia Drug and Angy's Choice - YouTube[/ame]

[artemis]

When my mother was in a senior citizen home I had to plan her funeral and put it "in trust." I knew nothing about funerals so I went to the library and obtained Jessica Mitford's An American Way of Death Revisited. I could not believe how funeral directors were gouging the public. Lots of laws have changed since then (and because of that book), but I still think funerals are a rip-off. "Rent-a-casket"??? "Drive-by viewings"???

I fully believe that everyone should have the right to choose when they die, and die with dignity. As I type this I'm looking at my dog Cleo and see how old she has gotten. I know the time will come when we make that trip to the vet. Why can we not do the same with the people we love?

As for my own death I haven't made any plans. I have no family left and I really don't want to tell a friend "Oh, by the way, if you come over and I'm not breathing, that means I'm dead, so just chill." But I am an organ donor, so perhaps I'll be able to help someone after my demise.


@msaok Thank you for posting the videos. I knew about Dignitas, but not Exit International. I cannot believe the police actually barged into that poor couple's apartment looking for the Nembutal. What schmucks.

[Hemanne]

"Rent a Casket and Drive by Viewing"? How very funny. What some people will invent for a buck, even out of another's death. But that's the way things are.

I trust I will have the presence of mind and the necessary means to Exit by my own volition when the time comes, if it is necessary. I certainly don't want to go out on a hospital production line, or sit in a 'Retirement' home to until I fade away. Both of which I have seen and wouldn't wish on another.

But I wouldn't deny one that if it's what they want.

When my mother was in a senior citizen home I had to plan her funeral and put it "in trust." I knew nothing about funerals so I went to the library and obtained Jessica Mitford's An American Way of Death Revisited. I could not believe how funeral directors were gouging the public. Lots of laws have changed since then (and because of that book), but I still think funerals are a rip-off. "Rent-a-casket"??? "Drive-by viewings"???

I fully believe that everyone should have the right to choose when they die, and die with dignity. As I type this I'm looking at my dog Cleo and see how old she has gotten. I know the time will come when we make that trip to the vet. Why can we not do the same with the people we love?

As for my own death I haven't made any plans. I have no family left and I really don't want to tell a friend "Oh, by the way, if you come over and I'm not breathing, that means I'm dead, so just chill." But I am an organ donor, so perhaps I'll be able to help someone after my demise.


@msaok Thank you for posting the videos. I knew about Dignitas, but not Exit International. I cannot believe the police actually barged into that poor couple's apartment looking for the Nembutal. What schmucks.

[JackB]

I try not to think about my own death too much, but when it nears, lets just say I am with Aldous Huxley all the way!