Dating advice?

[Lasttimeinparis]

So I'm 22, I think I'm fairly attractive. I've got a good head on my shoulders and I've got a good sense of humor. I think.

Except all of that ends around the time I open my mouth.

I'm not what you call a social butterfly. When I start conversations with people I'm lucky if they last past the "how are you?" state. If there was a conversations handbook I would probably buy it and still be unable to come up with something to say to kill awkward silences.

Even when I'm around people who I've known all my life I feel like I'm just buying time until I can end the small talk and run away.

Sad, isn't it?

My question or specifically what I'm looking for is, if I'm so bad at this small talk thing with close friends and relatives, then how in the world am I supposed to do this with a random stranger in a bar? Or a restaurant?

It's not that I don't want talk to people, I do. I like having conversations...Granted most of them happen to be behind computer screens or if they are face to face they last all of five minutes.

Ahem. Anyway, case and point. I'm riding the bus and a very good looking guy sits next to me. Something happens on the bus and he makes a remark about it and I comment back. Great opener for a conversation right? Too bad I just sat there awkwardly not knowing what to say. Then he gets off the bus and says goodbye to me and I just know I'm never going to see him again. And I haven't.

Any words of advice or encouragement for this loser?

-LTIP

[iamslh32]

So I'm 22, I think I'm fairly attractive. I've got a good head on my shoulders and I've got a good sense of humor. I think.

Except all of that ends around the time I open my mouth.

I'm not what you call a social butterfly. When I start conversations with people I'm lucky if they last past the "how are you?" state. If there was a conversations handbook I would probably buy it and still be unable to come up with something to say to kill awkward silences.

Even when I'm around people who I've known all my life I feel like I'm just buying time until I can end the small talk and run away.

Sad, isn't it?

My question or specifically what I'm looking for is, if I'm so bad at this small talk thing with close friends and relatives, then how in the world am I supposed to do this with a random stranger in a bar? Or a restaurant?

It's not that I don't want talk to people, I do. I like having conversations...Granted most of them happen to be behind computer screens or if they are face to face they last all of five minutes.

Ahem. Anyway, case and point. I'm riding the bus and a very good looking guy sits next to me. Something happens on the bus and he makes a remark about it and I comment back. Great opener for a conversation right? Too bad I just sat there awkwardly not knowing what to say. Then he gets off the bus and says goodbye to me and I just know I'm never going to see him again. And I haven't.

Any words of advice or encouragement for this loser?

-LTIP

Open your mouth and be honest.

"I'm shy, I am not sure how to respond, but thank you."

I have a history of being desperately shy, right down to peers throwing things at me I was so disregarded as having human qualities.

Don't worry about saying the right thing, the more you talk, the easier it gets.

And don't wait for someone to talk to you. Pick non-threatening people you see around and make small comments, get conversations started. You need practise, and you wont get it if you don't open your mouth.

Practise approaching people. Even if it is a non-threatening soccer mom at the grocery store and you mention something you notice in common or offer to help with her cray-ass kid. Practise with people you aren't attracted to, and then even if you are still scared when you get in opportunities with others that are potential dating opportunities, just be honest and when in doubt, ask them questions about themselves. everyone likes to talk about themselves. then you don't have to talk at all and they think you are a gem.

I've been there. I'm known in my organization now as a leader, a powerful negotiator, and a powerful facilitator. I get things done and I have to talk to all sorts of people who downright disagree with me and I have no authority over in order to get things done. But I started out long ago in a position that is very similar to your own.

The beginning is the hardest, but seriously, practise makes perfect. (or at least passable)

[billyboy1965]

Any words of advice or encouragement for this loser?

You won't get anywhere when you already believe you won't. Ditch the "loser" diagnosis.

I learned a long time ago, when it comes to small talk, within 15 minutes not only will you have a conversation, but you'll learn more about the person than he even realizes. I call it 20 questions.

The guy on the bus : Bus is crowded today.

You : Crowded? Where is your next stop?

Guy: I'm headed downtown.

You: Downtown? What takes you down there?

Guy: I need to get a license and take care of some business.

You : License? Such a production? What kind of business are you in?

Guy : I'm an attorney.

You : Attorney? Do you specialize?

All you need to do is use the last word in the sentence, repeat it and raise the tone to make it into a question, and you will find you've learned a ton of stuff and he won't even be aware. The more you do it, the better you get.

If he turns it around and directs the question back to you,

Guy : I'm an attorney. What do you do for a living?

You : I do for a living? Trying to support a family. Do you have any kids?

And off it goes.

My buddies LOVE to watch me do it to the unsuspecting victim. In fact, they'll ask me to initiate a conversation so they can watch the fun. Every once in awhile you run into an equal; that's when it's really fun.

[Rabbit88]

Sweetheart you are smart and obviously have much to say. I'm thinking that it must be the fear of judgment that makes you freeze up. Lack of confidence. Be yourself and if they don't like it, tough on them.

People will come along who will appreciate you for who you are and what you say. There is no time for putting on airs or being someone other than who you are. That method will only attract uncompatables.

You write beautifully so there is great stuff inside just waiting for your fear to subside to let it out. Also you are a female so the real burden to perform is on Him not you. Sit back and choose and be U.

[BobbyGee]

Do online dating ! Start with a free site like Plenty of Fish or OK Cupid. The intros are thru emails, then a dialouge back and forth and then eventually a phone call is made. If the signs are still compelling then you meet in a public location for a coffee or drink. Its as good as any bbar. Everybody in a bar at closing time is either a model or an astro phycisist.

[billyboy1965]

The internet, instant messaging, texting, and email have taken away the ability to carry on a conversation or make a phone call. It's sad.

[Cash]

So I'm 22, I think I'm fairly attractive. I've got a good head on my shoulders and I've got a good sense of humor. I think.

Except all of that ends around the time I open my mouth.

I'm not what you call a social butterfly. When I start conversations with people I'm lucky if they last past the "how are you?" state. If there was a conversations handbook I would probably buy it and still be unable to come up with something to say to kill awkward silences.

Even when I'm around people who I've known all my life I feel like I'm just buying time until I can end the small talk and run away.

Sad, isn't it?

My question or specifically what I'm looking for is, if I'm so bad at this small talk thing with close friends and relatives, then how in the world am I supposed to do this with a random stranger in a bar? Or a restaurant?

It's not that I don't want talk to people, I do. I like having conversations...Granted most of them happen to be behind computer screens or if they are face to face they last all of five minutes.

Ahem. Anyway, case and point. I'm riding the bus and a very good looking guy sits next to me. Something happens on the bus and he makes a remark about it and I comment back. Great opener for a conversation right? Too bad I just sat there awkwardly not knowing what to say. Then he gets off the bus and says goodbye to me and I just know I'm never going to see him again. And I haven't.

Any words of advice or encouragement for this loser?

-LTIP

Just like a couple of other folks said above I've been in the exact spot you are in. Spent more than half my life a 'wallflower' hardly opening my mouth because the words just didn't pop in my head. I started doing EXACTLY what was suggested to just randomly make comments on small topics with strangers. I also started forcing myself to always walk around with my head up and a smile for everyone on my face. I began thinking...JUST FAKE IT ....no one will know. Now they can't get me shut up.

The best thing you can do is to work on the overall social interaction and then flirting and dating quickly follow....it's about having confidence and not being afraid to be who YOU are.

[Rabbit88]

Just like a couple of other folks said above I've been in the exact spot you are in. Spent more than half my life a 'wallflower' hardly opening my mouth because the words just didn't pop in my head. I started doing EXACTLY what was suggested to just randomly make comments on small topics with strangers. I also started forcing myself to always walk around with my head up and a smile for everyone on my face. I began thinking...JUST FAKE IT ....no one will know. Now they can't get me shut up

Think that comfortability in your own skin that you speak of comes with age. I know for me I was awkward in social situations and the more experience I got with living life the better I became at casual chat with strangers.

Now I talk with everyone. Don't mumble either speak clearly and look in the eyes confidently demand attention so they don't easily brush you off.

[Cash]

Yep. I agree totally @Rabbit88

[chell55]

Ask questions. It is a great way to have a conversation without having to say much.

Most people love to talk about themselves so asking a few questions will get them going leaving you to just listen.

I use to be very shy but had so many people tell me I was a good listener. Most people like a good listener. Then hopefully you will find someone that makes you feel so comfortable you will be responding easily.

It sounds like you are a great person. I hope you let all who meet you see that.

[Rabbit88]

Ask questions. It is a great way to have a conversation without having to say much.
It sounds like you are a great person. I hope you let all who meet you see that.

Isn't that the truth, you want to be a hit show interest in their lives. Ask questions. Hate to thump the bible in a drug addict forum but It says if you want friends prove yourself friendly.

Lot of wisdom here on this thread, lots of truths on this topic. Now go do it and prove yourself friendly ....

[pixmax]

if you dont have any, find hobbies and interests. sports help! and travel.
Women like men who do stuff and have interesting stuff to talk about and vice versca..

[Lasttimeinparis]

Just like a couple of other folks said above I've been in the exact spot you are in. Spent more than half my life a 'wallflower' hardly opening my mouth because the words just didn't pop in my head. I started doing EXACTLY what was suggested to just randomly make comments on small topics with strangers. I also started forcing myself to always walk around with my head up and a smile for everyone on my face. I began thinking...JUST FAKE IT ....no one will know. Now they can't get me shut up.

The best thing you can do is to work on the overall social interaction and then flirting and dating quickly follow....it's about having confidence and not being afraid to be who YOU are.

I don't have much confidence in myself and that is probably why it's so hard to get going because I'm so busy sitting there thinking, "They probably won't like me." instead of giving them a chance to. And just commenting could work except I'm always fearing I'll say something awkward, then they'll think I'm the weirdo they definitely want to avoid.

*This post was auto-merged. The following text was added 5 minutes after the last post:*

Ask questions. It is a great way to have a conversation without having to say much.

Most people love to talk about themselves so asking a few questions will get them going leaving you to just listen.

I use to be very shy but had so many people tell me I was a good listener. Most people like a good listener. Then hopefully you will find someone that makes you feel so comfortable you will be responding easily.

It sounds like you are a great person. I hope you let all who meet you see that.

Aww, thanks you. I'm glad you think I sound great but as with everything it's getting others to see that too.

This is great advice especially since I can never think of what to say, it goes back to my confidence and thinking I'm going to be prying if I ask them too much. But I'll give it a go, I think the worst thing that can happen is they won't be interested.

...And there goes my fear of rejection rearing it's ugly head.

Either way I'll try and take the plunge, although I expect it'll lead to lots of times of me running in the opposite direction

[Polain]

I am pretty sure that the first thing you should do is stop telling yourself that you are a loser and you can not keep up conversation. Just tell yourself that you are attractive, self-sufficient and that even one your glance is enough to get a person interested in you. You'll do it!

[Perromaldido]

If you have a specific interest especially in the cultural areas such as - I don't know - politics, music, literature readings or like what amnesty international is doing, I mean whatever you may join a group which meets in real life in your area and have a good starting point because of the interest you share. Or you may dedicate some of your time to support people in need and get to know others who do the same and will appreciate you right from the start because you do what they do out of pure humanity....discussions in bars are very often too shallow...sports, sex and party tales. You need to be well forged to have your say on that stuff and then it's not really that worthwile. You sound like an extremely sensible soul and that's a part of a persom many like. Just my .2

[BlueGirl]

If you have a specific interest especially in the cultural areas such as - I don't know - politics, music, literature readings or like what amnesty international is doing, I mean whatever you may join a group which meets in real life in your area and have a good starting point because of the interest you share. Or you may dedicate some of your time to support people in need and get to know others who do the same and will appreciate you right from the start because you do what they do out of pure humanity....discussions in bars are very often too shallow...sports, sex and party tales. You need to be well forged to have your say on that stuff and then it's not really that worthwile. You sound like an extremely sensible soul and that's a part of a persom many like. Just my .2

I agree with Perrmaldido, do something that you are interested in. I think there is a whole generation that find it much easier to express themselves behind a computer screen than face to face. However, studies prove that the #1 place to meet friends and future partners are in school or at work. I know I have done it...thinking about it, I don't think I ever met someone out clubbing or at a bar.

What do you do? Work? School? Interests? There's a whole world out there, and if you are confident enough to acknowledge your looks and brains - you definately have both

Being shy is not a disadvantage, or a bad trade. It's just a human trade like many others - some will find it appealing, and some will not...unfortunately noone is perfect

[BennyBozos]

So I'm 22, I think I'm fairly attractive. I've got a good head on my shoulders and I've got a good sense of humor. I think.

Except all of that ends around the time I open my mouth.

I'm not what you call a social butterfly. When I start conversations with people I'm lucky if they last past the "how are you?" state. If there was a conversations handbook I would probably buy it and still be unable to come up with something to say to kill awkward silences.

Even when I'm around people who I've known all my life I feel like I'm just buying time until I can end the small talk and run away.

Sad, isn't it?

My question or specifically what I'm looking for is, if I'm so bad at this small talk thing with close friends and relatives, then how in the world am I supposed to do this with a random stranger in a bar? Or a restaurant?

It's not that I don't want talk to people, I do. I like having conversations...Granted most of them happen to be behind computer screens or if they are face to face they last all of five minutes.

Ahem. Anyway, case and point. I'm riding the bus and a very good looking guy sits next to me. Something happens on the bus and he makes a remark about it and I comment back. Great opener for a conversation right? Too bad I just sat there awkwardly not knowing what to say. Then he gets off the bus and says goodbye to me and I just know I'm never going to see him again. And I haven't.

-LTIP

I am the male you, lol

[BradGellar]

thank you so much for such a great information

[Bloodhound]

how old are you? You seem as though you're a younger person whose been socially tied to chat rooms, IM's, Email, Facebook, My Space, et al, and have no clue how to acclimate yourself socially. This has been reported as being a new "problem" among young folks, and may continue to be a trend because people are forming new "virtual relaationships" more than REAL relationships!!!

Recent studies have shown that people, particularly younger people, have MORE contact with "friends" via social media or the internet VS than face to face contact. IMHO, these virtual friendships are going to wreak havoc in a sociological standpoint worldwide.....

[pixmax]

how old are you? You seem as though you're a younger person whose been socially tied to chat rooms, IM's, Email, Facebook, My Space, et al, and have no clue how to acclimate yourself socially. This has been reported as being a new "problem" among young folks, and may continue to be a trend because people are forming new "virtual relaationships" more than REAL relationships!!!

Recent studies have shown that people, particularly younger people, have MORE contact with "friends" via social media or the internet VS than face to face contact. IMHO, these virtual friendships are going to wreak havoc in a sociological standpoint worldwide.....

"Social" is being taken out of social media. Social media in all its form is nothing more than an advertising tool used to self promote and inflate one's ego.

To the OP; join toast master and volunteer your time.